OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I believe in your delicious
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
