That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
