Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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