Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Randomize
