So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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