But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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