tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
