I just pynch a tree in the face
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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