She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
