I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
