Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize