Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
should my penis look like a turkey
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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