so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
