I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Btw I puked in your glovebox
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
