u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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