I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
