Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
