I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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