Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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