Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
