whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
