OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize