well you can't waste a boner
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just pee around me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
