im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
