I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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