so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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