I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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