Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
