The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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