i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
