I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
