Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
