i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Can I color on your dick again?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
