This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
