I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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