Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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