and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
