living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
