We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
