After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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