the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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