My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
