Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
