I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
