there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
