I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
