You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
