You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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