that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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