Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
