if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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