JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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