I smell stomach acid.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
