I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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