Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
