I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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