Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
