I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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