I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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