wanna go halves on a baby?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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