You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
